


what if we were jealous and petty in a boba shop for literally no reason... 😳 and we're both boys 😳

by niuniujiaojiao



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: (isn't that just lying? yes except it's funny), Aromantic Sasha James, Canon Asexual Character, Deliberate Miscommunication, Doesn't come up but all my Jons are sex-averse, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Jealous Martin Blackwood, Jealous-But-Better-About-It-Than-Martin Tim Stoker, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pre-Slash, Screenplay/Script Format, no fake dating but it's certainly adjacent to fake dating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 04:34:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26467279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niuniujiaojiao/pseuds/niuniujiaojiao
Summary: TIM: (bitter, reminiscent of a cup of black tea that’s been steeping, forgotten, for an hour) I hope they’re having a good timeMARTIN: (bitter, reminiscent of a cup of black tea that’s been steeping, forgotten, for two hours)Idon’t.TIM: Wellll... It’s more that I hope they’re having a good time, until something about the way Sasha talks reminds Jon of his grandmother, and the thought is so awful that he starts wishing it weren’t a date.-Tim and Martin think Sasha and Jon are dating (they're not) and mope about it together. meanwhile, Sasha and Jon Simply Vibe
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist (implied), Martin Blackwood/Tim Stoker (one-sided... or is it), Sasha James & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Sasha James/Tim Stoker (one-sided)
Comments: 52
Kudos: 255





	what if we were jealous and petty in a boba shop for literally no reason... 😳 and we're both boys 😳

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: non-malicious speculation about a character’s sexuality, joking mention of homophobia, brief mention of aphobia, general awkwardness, alcohol, bullying (they're friends, but they can be (lovingly) mean sometimes). also, some of Tim and Martin’s comments are based on their incorrect assumptions that Sasha is alloromantic and Jon is allosexual and possibly not bi.
> 
> inspired partly by [this post](https://thevoidcannotbefilled.tumblr.com/post/627202586501677056/okay-but-jonsasha-is-the-funniest-ship-like), though without the romantic jonsasha
> 
> I'm not aro or ace, so any constructive criticism about my Jon and Sasha is welcome!

[INT. BUBBLE TEA SHOP]

[BACKGROUND: PEOPLE CHATTING, BAD DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER THE SPEAKERS]

**TIM**

( _bitter, reminiscent of a cup of black tea that’s been steeping, forgotten, for an hour_ ) I hope they’re having a good time

[PLASTIC HITTING PLASTIC, LIKE SOMEONE IS JABBING AT HIS BUBBLE TEA WITH HIS STRAW AND FAILING TO CATCH ANY PEARLS ON THE POINTY END]

**MARTIN**

( _bitter, reminiscent of a cup of black tea that’s been steeping, forgotten, for two hours_ ) _I_ don’t.

**TIM**

( _heh_ ) Wellll... It’s more that I hope they’re having a good time, until something about the way Sasha talks reminds Jon of his grandmother, and the thought is so awful that he starts wishing it weren’t a date.

[ON THE WORD “DATE,” MARTIN LETS OUT A SOFT GROAN]

**MARTIN**

( _glum_ ) Cheers to that.

[THE TAP OF TWO PLASTIC CUPS AGAINST EACH OTHER]

**MARTIN**

( _wistful_ ) What do you think they’re talking about right now?

**TIM**

( _glum_ ) How smart and perfect they are, probably.

That, or work.

**MARTIN**

I don’t even know if Jon’s capable of _not_ talking about work.

**TIM**

He was, back in research. ( _contemplative_ ) He and Sash always got along _swimmingly_ , but I never thought...

**MARTIN**

( _oddly agitated_ ) _I_ didn’t even know he swung that way. Do you think— ( _lowering voice to a whisper_ ) is it possible Sasha’s his beard?

**TIM**

( _laughing_ ) What, he needs her help staying closeted from _us_? You know, come to think of it, we _are_ both such raging homophobes, so—

**MARTIN**

( _laughing, but still tense_ ) Yeah, alright, alright, lay off it.

[SILENCE]

**TIM**

Are you alright? You look... _really_ wound up. Like, shaking.

**MARTIN**

( _agitated_ ) I’m fine, I just— ( _words bursting out_ ) Look, I’m sorry, but—what does Jon _see_ in her? Like, Sasha’s my friend, and she’s _great_ , but—

**TIM**

( _trying for lighthearted but landed on “stern”_ ) Going to have to stop you there, Marto.

**MARTIN**

What? Oh, right, right, I’m sorry—

**TIM**

How about some ground rules. I don’t talk shit about Jon, and you don’t talk shit about Sasha.

**MARTIN**

Y-yeah. That sounds good.

[AWKWARD SILENCE]

**MARTIN**

I hope... that Elias calls Jon down to the Institute for an emergency live statement before they’ve even ordered food?

[CLINK OF ICE, A CUP BEING RAISED]

**TIM**

That’s the spirit!

-

[INT. ARCHIVES, THE ARCHIVIST’S OFFICE]

**ARCHIVIST**

I know you said, but your wording was ambiguous earlier, and I’ve gotten this wrong before in the past—this is strictly platonic, yes?

**SASHA**

( _amused_ ) Yes, Jon, I promise I’m not trying to steal your virtue—

[SPLUTTERING NOISES FROM THE ARCHIVIST]

**SASHA (CONT’D)**

— _or_ your heart.

**ARCHIVIST**

That’s, ah. That’s good to hear.

**SASHA**

God, Jon, if I knew you were going to be this flustered over “My worm removal wound hurts, so you’re taking me out to dinner because I said so,” I wouldn’t have asked.

**ARCHIVIST**

No, it’s perfectly alright, I’m happy to—

**SASHA**

If it helps, I’m also aromantic as hell.

**ARCHIVIST**

Oh! That’s, well. ( _inhale_ ) ( _enunciating each word clearly and sincerely_ ) Thank you for telling me, Sasha.

**SASHA**

( _laughing_ ) You can stop making that face, I haven’t been hiding it, or worried about your reaction or anything. I only really figured it out recently. I haven’t even told Tim yet.

**ARCHIVIST**

( _awkward_ ) Ah. Well, either way, I’m glad that you found a label that works for you.

**SASHA**

So am I.

**ARCHIVIST**

( _abrupt_ ) I’m... I’m asexual. Not that it—but I thought you might like to know.

**SASHA**

Nice!

[SOUND OF A HI-FIVE BEING EXCHANGED]

**SASHA (CONT’D)**

And you’re right, I _do_ like to know.

So, you ready for Aspec Solidarity Dinner?

**ARCHIVIST**

I thought this was Sorry You Got Stabbed Dinner.

**SASHA**

( _with exaggerated gravity_ ) Sometimes, things... can be two things.

**ARCHIVIST**

( _heh_ ) Fair enough.

-

[INT. BUBBLE TEA SHOP, SEVERAL HOURS LATER]

[LESS BACKGROUND CHATTER THAN BEFORE]

**MARTIN**

( _dreamily_ ) I hope they both get food poisoning. Not— ( _correcting course_ ) not anything too bad, just... unpleasant enough that their neural pathways start connecting the idea of a romance between them with feeling sick.

**TIM**

( _mock-offended_ ) What, you think getting food poisoning with someone means you can’t stomach the sight of them again? And here I was thinking we were _friends_!

**MARTIN**

Well, we weren’t on a _date_ , then. The logic works out differently. _You_ don’t make me ill, but the idea of stakeouts does.

**TIM**

I mean, we could.

**MARTIN**

Could...?

**TIM**

Go on a date. A proper one.

**MARTIN**

What, like, to make Jon and Sasha jealous?

[BEAT]

**MARTIN**

_Shit_ , Tim. I’m—

**TIM**

( _quiet_ ) I was just thinking a date in general, but—

**MARTIN (CONT’D)**

— _so_ sorry, that was _so_ inconsiderate—

**TIM**

( _overlapping_ ) No, no, it’s alright. It was... stupid to ask. I know how much you like Jon.

**MARTIN**

And I thought _you_ were—I thought—Well, you just spent an hour talking about how you were interested in Sasha?

**TIM**

Doesn’t mean I can’t have other interests.

**MARTIN**

Right. I mean—

**TIM**

Let’s just agree to forget about it.

**MARTIN**

I mean, it’s not that I _don’t_ —

**TIM**

We’re having fun, right? Let’s keep having fun.

[SILENCE, OF THE UN-FUN VARIETY]

**MARTIN**

( _quiet_ ) So you really want to forget about it?

**TIM**

Martin, what does that even _me_ -

**MARTIN**

I don’t know! I just—Can we talk about it tomorrow?

**TIM**

... Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.

[MORE SILENCE]

**TIM**

( _with forced enthusiasm_ ) Hey. I just had an idea. Do you want to get really, really drunk?

-

**SASHA**

( _laughing_ ) And then— ( _laughing harder_ ) they just hung up on me! Just like that!

**ARCHIVIST**

( _engrossed_ ) What did you do then?

**SASHA**

Called them back, of course.

**ARCHIVIST**

_No_.

**SASHA**

It was my favorite sweater, Jon, I wasn’t going to let it rot just because _Tim_ left it behind while trespassing for _you_!

**ARCHIVIST**

So now it’s my fault, too?

**SASHA**

Absolutely. I think you owe me, oh, at least two more dinners for that.

**ARCHIVIST**

( _audible smile_ ) That can be arranged. Though, ( _hesitating_ ) I don’t know if that’s... wise.

**SASHA**

( _mildly exasperated_ ) Listen, Jon, just because you can technically fire me now doesn’t mean we can’t still spend time together.

**ARCHIVIST**

Well, yes, but—

**SASHA**

You’re my friend, Jon. I missed talking to you.

**ARCHIVIST**

( _somewhat touched_ ) I... also consider you a friend, Sasha.

**SASHA (CONT’D)**

( _smug_ ) Besides, I know you’d never fire me, anyway.

**ARCHIVIST**

From a professional standpoint, I can neither confirm nor deny that.

**SASHA**

Ha! Knew it.

Movie at mine after we—sorry, after _you_ —pay?

-

[INT. TIM’S FLAT, SEVERAL HOURS LATER]

[SOUNDS FROM THE TV]

**MARTIN**

( _earnest, clearly inebriated_ ) I can’t believe David broke up with you! That was so mean! How could anyone be so mean to you?

**TIM**

_I_ can’t believe Jon’s so hard on you. I know you didn’t get a degree, but you work so hard, Marty. It’s not fair.

**MARTIN**

( _sighing_ ) ’Least he’s pretty.

**TIM**

_So_ pretty.

**MARTIN**

Just wanna hold his hand.

**TIM**

( _daydreaming_ ) Sash has nice hands.

[SILENCE AS THEY FANTASIZE]

**MARTIN**

( _coming back to himself_ ) This isn’t _fair_. You’re hot! People should be getting weepy over _you_!

**TIM**

And _you’re_ hot _and_ you write poetry! We should be the fucking office heartthrobs!

**MARTIN**

Fucking _David_.

**TIM**

_Fuck_ that guy. Or, don’t, actually.

[TIM GIGGLES]

**MARTIN**

What?

**TIM**

Your face is _so_ red, Marty. ( _contemplative_ ) Sash’s favorite color is red.

[DRUNKEN SILENCE]

**MARTIN**

( _whispering_ ) Hey. Hey, Tim.

**TIM**

Yeah?

**MARTIN**

Y’know what you should do?

**TIM**

What?

**MARTIN**

You should text her.

**TIM**

Nuh. No way.

**MARTIN**

You should!

**TIM**

Only if you text Jon.

**MARTIN**

No, no, Tim.

**TIM**

Yes! Where’s your phone? Gimme.

**MARTIN**

( _whining_ ) Tim, no, he’s my _boss_ , Tim!

**TIM**

It doesn’t have to be _weird_! Either you write something and send it, or _I_ do.

[MARTIN RECOILS IN HORROR]

**MARTIN**

Fine.

-

[INT. SASHA’S FLAT]

**ARCHIVIST**

( _puzzled_ ) I just got a text... from Martin.

**SASHA**

( _with a mixture of surprise, anticipation, and amusement that can only come from suspecting something that Jon doesn’t_ ) Oh? What does it say?

**ARCHIVIST**

It says, um, ( _spelling out the typos_ ) “hpe ur date went well an no food poisonig”?

**SASHA**

( _laughing_ ) Sorry, _what_?

**ARCHIVIST**

I really don’t see—W-wait. ( _fast_ ) When Prentiss had Martin’s phone, she kept talking about a stomach bug—do you think this is her again? Is he in danger?

**SASHA**

( _suppressing laughter_ ) I really don’t think it’s Prentiss.

**ARCHIVIST**

How can you be sure? We should probably go to the Institute, or at least call Elias, or—

**SASHA**

Martin’s fine, Jon. I just got a text from Tim about him.

**ARCHIVIST**

Oh! Well, that’s a relief.

**SASHA**

( _giggling_ ) Listen to this: ( _enunciating each word_ ) “me n marty r soooo drunk i miss u an i thin ur lauh is pretty also lrgally u have 2 tell me if bossyboss is a good ksser ok byeeeee.” And then, five—no, six exclamation points.

**ARCHIVIST**

Good... _kiss_ er? ( _horrified_ ) Wait, do Tim and Martin think we’re...

**SASHA**

( _giggling_ ) Apparently so.

**ARCHIVIST**

Should we—should we correct them?

**SASHA**

Well, yeah.

[BEAT]

**SASHA (CONT’D)**

( _sly_ ) On Monday, that is.

-

[INT. TIM’S FLAT]

**MARTIN**

He said, ( _reading off his phone_ ) “This is highly unprofessional, but yes, Sasha and I are passing a—” _Passing_? Tim, they’re still...

**TIM**

( _with a deep and heavy sadness completely at odds with the actual words_ ) Damn. Get it, Sasha.

**MARTIN**

( _continuing_ ) “—a perfectly pleasant evening. It was kind of you to ask.” ( _despondent_ ) Tim. I _hate_ this.

[BEAT]

**MARTIN**

Tim?

**TIM**

( _flat_ ) I just got a text from Sasha.

**MARTIN**

( _dreading the response_ ) What’s it say?

**TIM**

See for yourself.

[THEY LOOK AT TIM’S PHONE IN SILENCE]

**MARTIN**

( _quiet_ ) I’ve... I’ve never seen Jon with his hair down before.

[MORE STARING]

**TIM**

They look fucking _adorable_.

[MORE STARING]

**MARTIN**

Jon looks so _happy_.

**TIM**

So does Sash.

[A LONG MOMENT OF CONTEMPLATION]

**MARTIN**

( _inhale_ ) ( _determined_ ) You know what? ( _exhale_ ) ( _forcing the words out_ ) I’m... I’m glad they’re having a good time.

[A LONG SILENCE]

[TIM GROANS]

**TIM**

( _glum_ ) Yeah. Me too.

-

bonus:

[INT. SASHA’S FLAT]

**SASHA**

Aw, look at this.

[FABRIC RUSTLING AS JON SHUFFLES CLOSER]

**ARCHIVIST**

Is that...? Oh. Well, they certainly look alright. No worms, or... Michael.

**SASHA**

I’m just glad Martin has a place to crash tonight other than Document Storage.

**ARCHIVIST**

I mean, I can’t imagine that Tim’s couch will be _that_ much better than the archives cot.

**SASHA**

( _heh_ ) Tim’s _couch_ , right.

[BEAT]

**ARCHIVIST**

( _surprised_ ) You think...?

**SASHA**

That they’re sleeping together? I mean, I don’t know for certain, but Tim’s talked to me about Martin before, and... well, let’s just say I “strongly suspect.”

[DEAD SILENCE. THE ARCHIVIST FEELS HE IS CLOSE TO AN EPIPHANY, AND IMMEDIATELY BATS IT AWAY. ALTHOUGH HE NEVER REACHES IT, THE GRIEF THAT WOULD ACCOMPANY SAID EPIPHANY IS STILL FELT ACUTELY]

**ARCHIVIST**

( _flat_ ) Oh.

**Author's Note:**

> yes Sasha notices Jon's reaction to the selfie, yes this is bringing her so much entertainment
> 
> S1 Martin 99% of the time: *stammering out of nervousness* *low self-confidence* *overly self-critical*  
> any version of Martin as soon as he gets jealous: actually I am the sexiest being alive and I deserve to be kissed RIGHT NOW more than anyone else in the world. also, fuck you
> 
> anyway, in this 'verse:  
> 1\. spending an entire weekend together moping, hanging out, nobly resigning themselves to pine in silence for the sake of Jon and Sasha’s happiness, and sometimes kissing forges an unbreakable bond between Martin and Tim that goes any direction you want it to  
> 2\. Sasha tells Tim she’s aro on Monday and it goes really well! later he tells her about his crush and she says "oh shit I wouldn’t have done that if I knew it would cause you distress" and he says "no that was fucking epic" and then they throw caramel corn at each other's mouths  
> 3\. no one dies
> 
> have a good day and feel free to hmu on Tumblr at [pronouncingitwang](https://pronouncingitwang.tumblr.com)


End file.
